Note: this commentary came up in a discussion in one of the forums that began when someone who was still a virgin (at 38) mentioned his idea of going to a prostitute, in order to break through the old vicious circle of not being able to find a date, because he lacks poise, because he lacks dating experience, because he hasn't been able to find a date. This can be a serious problem, yes. But the group's support for this ill conceived solution was a typically irresponsible one.

Yes, of course there is a better way.

He asked for the group's opinion about whether or not her should go to a prostitute in order to gain sexual experience. Given the strain he must be experiencing, I can easily understand why he's ask that. But I'd say that this would be an incredibly bad idea.

If he goes to a prostitute, even if she is disease free and the sweetest human being on the planet - both of which will be highly unlikely - there is the reality that she isn't there, because she wants to be there but because she is being paid to be there, and she really doesn't want him. (Before someone asks, "do no sweet women go into this ?", I'll respond by saying, "yes, but they don't tend to stay sweet for very long"). As hard as he may try to work at putting this thought out of his mind, it will be there and it will poison this, his first sexual experience.

That's a bad bit of baggage to pick up. There is a better way.

OK, here's the big secret to finding a partner that late bloomers tend to not know. The secret is that there is no secret. Much has been hinted at and written about, on the subject of reading a person's body language and picking up subtle hints that indicate a woman's degree of interest, and men lacking a base of experience make themselves crazy, trying to play catchup and figure these things out. And it's all nonsense. The man already knows how individualized such body language is among men. Why does he imagine that it will be any different among women?

The problem lies in trying to make this assessment in one quick step. What one does, in trying to get closer to a woman physically or emotionally, is to take very small, tiny steps, and pay very, very close attention to her as one does so. The moment that she shows even the most subtle sign of discomfort (and those tend to be more universal - a very slight tensing of the muscles, for example), back off and say no more about it. Leave the plausible deniability that keeps the situation from becoming uncomfortable for all present. This is not a time for blunt honesty. If she didn't want something to happen, well, then nothing happened. End of story. Don't let it go so far that she needs to verbalize her wish that you stop. And for God's sake, don't talk about it. Let it drop.

Might you overreact? Of course. And if so, and you're still paying attention, she'll seem faintly, again, very subtly, disappointed (face dropping a little, that sort of thing), and you'll know that you backed off too quickly.

If not, let the degree of discomfort dictate how long you wait before taking another very small step, and seeing if she is now comfortable with that next step. If, on the next time she is even more uncomfortable (again, only very very mildly), respect that without question and wait for another day.

We're not just talking about physical contact, here. This applies to any sort of statement of affection or interest. That scene, that appears in the movies again and again, where the male lead, suddenly and unpredictably confesses his love to the female lead (and she is swept off her feet) is a childish theatrical lie. In real life, the woman, if she didn't run screaming for the hills, would (in great discomfort) be seeking for a tactful way to decline, and the man would be left seeking a graceful way to look like he didn't notice that he was embarassed. He could easily ruin something that might have worked out.

I assume that we all understand that a good deal of emotional contact is something that gradually comes into being, given a nurturing environment in which it may flourish, not something that is suddenly forced into being - a matter of hints and suggestion, not blatant commentary which might easily undo everything that the other feels. For this reason, indirect expression of interest seems best.

But one should remember that just because one extreme is bad, that doesn't mean that the other extreme is good. To sit back passively and wait for a relationship to "just happen" will lead to the perception that one has no interest, and men aren't the only ones afraid of rejection.

And that's really about it. This is not brain surgery. Ever notice how many really dumb guys manage to sleep around? That should tell you just how much theory is really called for, here.

(Not that I'm recommending that you sleep around, or saying that I do).

"Well, how do you make her like you?". You don't. You work at being the most pleasant company you can be, but understand that she will come to like you on her own or won't do so at all. What you have to do, is avoid making her not like you. So, no lines. Will a given woman like you? Probably not. "Rejection" is a normal part of the process, and it isn't a reflection on you. Ever see a circle of people, each liking the next one, where, say, Bob likes Sue who likes George who likes Mary who likes Bob? If there was some sort of universal order of desirability, such circles could not exist. If you get rejected, all that it means is that you weren't right for her, specifically. No big deal, and no cause for embarrassment, and if she should laugh at you, so what? A display of immaturity like that demonstrates that she isn't worth YOUR time. Shaking your head, rolling your eyes, and offering a simple "whatever" will cut that off, pretty often.

Oh, and you might consider using whichever method works best for you to temporarily dampen your sex drive. Losing the hunger will lessen the discomfort it causes in someone you're dating.

And yes, definitely work on improving what it is, that you have to offer. Amazing how many men will go online to complain about how women are rejecting them because of their physique - and yet never bother to visit the gym. Develop a good variety of interests that involve social contact. Not only does it give you a comfortable, partially structured environment in which to meet women, without giving the direct, and uncomfortable implication that this is what you are there to do (leaving the encounter feeling forced, and unnatural), but it gives you something to talk about. It also gives you an opportunity to develop a personal, nonsexual relationship with someone, and for her to become comfortable with you, and develop a level of trust. Work on the wardrobe, make sure that you're getting enough sleep....yes, this is a major undertaking. Why shouldn't it be? It's not just sex, it's also the relationship that the sex is part of, that we are talking about, and that's a big part of one's life.

• return