Wow, that sounds really bad, doesn't it? "Celiac Disease". Leaves you picturing Fred laying unconscious in a hospital, while the hooker with a heart of gold prays tearfully for him by his bedside. "Please, Lord, don't let Celiac Disease claim another innocent life."

Guess what.

Celiac Disease is gluten intolerance - a food sensitivity. Period. It is set off by a substance (gluten) found abundantly in wheat, and is present (to a lesser extent) in rye, oats and barley. The cure? Eat corn and rice, instead. Buckwheat (i.e. Kasha) is good, too. (Despite the name, it bears no relation to wheat). Millet is OK, I think, but I have to check. Not a good thing to ignore, as the short term health consequences of doing so can be extremely unpleasant, but hardly untreatable.

In other words, Mr. Cherry was skirting the edges of perjury. To hear him talk, one is left with the impression that he was doomed to ill health by an untreatable genetic disease, when in fact all that he was doomed by was his unwillingness to give up donuts. That's right. The Mayor of New York was hauled into court because Fred wanted to be able to eat pastry on a regular basis and still get lucky.

But don't take my word for it. This is what Dr. Carol Semrad of the Columbia School of Medicine has to say about the condition on her school's web site.

• Celiac Disease and Gluten Sensitivity

I think we can put away the violins, now.

• Let's go back to watching him sue Mayor Koch.